The First Half of Czechoslovakia (Czechia, 2023)

After leaving Bratislava via Flixbus (shoutout Flixbus), I had a 1-hour layover in Brno that evolved into a half-day city tour. As a heads up, the Czech Republic is preferring people to call it Czechia, but both are acceptable.

While being the 2nd most populated city in the country, there was not much to do aside from the Cathedral of St. Peter and Paul. As I walked to the church, I realized there was no one there, and even though it was a Monday evening, it was a little weird. There was a lady who spoke zero English at the top of some stairs manning the ticket stand. I asked if there was a ticket to just see the cathedral (since at this point I thought I only had an hour), but she communicated that only the full combination ticket is possible (communicated via pointing and speaking Czech). I decided to head back so as not to miss my bus. Within 5 minutes of turning back, I got the delay notification, so I decided to go back to the church to face the woman again.

I tried to buy a ticket with a credit card, but she said only cash. I turned around, left, realized I had some euros, came back, offered to pay in Euros, got rejected for the third time (she only accepted Czech korunas), and finally accepted defeat. St. Peter and Paul must really not like me. Next, I decided to go to the only other major attraction, Namesti Svobody: the center square. I finally saw real-life people and this area was much more lively, complete with an Easter market with food stalls and live music. I decided to soak in the atmosphere by converting some money into korunas (at this super suspicious jewelry store) to buy some local food.

Note that not a single person I met in this city spoke an ounce of English, including the currency exchange employee and the fast food workers. At the market, I bought some unknown cheese thing that had been cooking on a grill for 100 Koruna (about $4.50). It tasted really smoky and the cheese had a really squeaky texture, so I’m not too sure how I felt about it. To sweeten up my taste buds, I tried to buy a chimney cake (which I found out the name of later—at the time I thought it was a super fat churro), but when I tried to pay with the change I got from the cheese lady, the man working the stall told me it was counterfeit (whole interaction still in Czech). I was confused and so he pulled up a Google image of what counterfeit notes look like. Voila, it matched my note exactly. Those were the last korunas I had left and I realized I couldn’t pay for the churro of my dreams. Luckily, the stall worker felt pity and let me pay in euros (the chimney cake tasted good, but also really really smoky for some reason).

The live music was a nice vibe, though, and I decided to walk around the city a little bit. It was a chill, standard European city, but the streets were pretty quiet for a Monday evening. I meandered around and slowly ended up near the bus stop. There was a McDonald’s near the stop, and I was curious to try what they had (and also to use their WC, which is the European abbreviation for restroom). I got a snack wrap and a glass of Vinea, which is this Czechoslovakian grape juice (tasted like a non-alcoholic wine and was really good!), but I couldn’t figure out how to use the restroom! It needed coins, but I didn’t have the right denomination and the McDonald’s had no change (again, another awkward interaction fully in Czech). I gave up to go visit Burger King across the street and use their WC, but they required purchase and I didn’t want to wait to order something I didn’t want.

So, the third time’s the charm (except for the Cathedral of St. Peter and Paul) and I went to the main station to use their bathroom. I had to pay a euro and the quality of the bathroom was abhorrent. It felt like I had entered a horror movie: broken urinals, sticky floors, flickering lights. Compared to the serenity of Switzerland train stations, I was in hell. I quickly finished up and hurried to the bus station to get on my bus to Krakow. I made it just in time and couldn’t find the driver, so I just got on.

Right before we were about to leave, the bus driver and his assistant, a huge 6’5 250-pound Czech guy, got on. His assistant realized I hadn’t shown him my ticket and he started yelling and cursing me out in Czech (Polish maybe?) for what seemed like an eternity. He was in my face and I tried to show him my ticket and explain that I couldn’t find him earlier, but he couldn’t understand me and continued yelling super loud. Honestly, I was super scared he’d try to fight me or kick me off the bus, and as a solo traveler, I was stressing hard. Eventually, after about 5 minutes of straight yelling, this Polish woman sitting behind me said something that I interpreted as “he doesn’t know what you’re saying so just give up” and he eventually gave me a death stare and returned to his seat at the front.

In just a couple of hours, I was denied entry to a church 3 times, got scammed with counterfeit money, used a scary-looking restroom, and got harassed by a huge Slavic dude in a tracksuit. The full Eastern European experience! As I settled into my seat on a bus packed to the brim with loud Polish passengers, I was happy to leave Brno behind.

Takeaways

• If you’re a tourist in Eastern Europe, stick to the capitals and the touristy areas (and not random Czech cities)
• Make sure to have plenty of local currency in case of counterfeiting and scams
• The Cathedral of St. Peter and Paul is actually a super exclusive club that’s really hard to get into. Make sure both of the saints like you beforehand
• if you get yelled at and harassed by a Slavic giant, have some backup nearby that can speak the local language. Shoutout to the Polish woman because my heart rate was damn near 200bpm

Rose-Bud-Thorn

Rose (what went well): The live music and the overall atmosphere of the Easter market was a nice, relaxing vibe during my super hectic travels
Bud (what was good but could be improved on): The food scene was okay, but the cheese thing and the chimney cake were mediocre at best and the best thing I had was the Vinea drink from McDonald’s.
Thorn (what did not go well): From being given fake money to struggling to use a bathroom, to no one speaking English, to being yelled at by the bus assistant, I truly felt like I was not welcome. If you’re not Czech, you will feel like a complete outsider and even the smallest things will prove to be a challenge, especially if you’re alone. This is one of my few travels that I do not recommend you do unless you’re a diehard Brno fan